Fear is a normal and unavoidable part of childhood. As parents it’s important to know how to support our kids through those childhood fears to safety on the other side. Here are some practical tips for addressing those monsters under the bed in a way that empowers your child to feel safe, secure and confident.
I remember seeing “Dark Shadows” (a very dark soap opera from my childhood) as a kid at my cousins’ house. I didn’t tell anyone how scared I was, but let me tell you, I had a serious problem with vampires for years as a result!
Childhood Fears
Let’s face it, our kids don’t have much life experience. So for a while everything is new and potentially dangerous and scary. They don’t know yet what things really are scary and which things aren’t. We can help them with that. So let’s talk about FEAR.
Where Does Fear Come From?
That’s a great question and an important place to start. Unfortunately it’s not easy to answer because fear can come from all sorts of places.
Specific Incidents That Create Fear
Fear may result from being involved in an incident of some sort they don’t understand or haven’t processed. Car wrecks, abuse, violence, tornadoes and other natural disasters are examples of the kind of incidents kids may need help processing.
TV, Movies and the News
Like my brush with the horror genre at a very young age, fear doesn’t have to be logical or about real things. In fact, it often isn’t. Like vampires.
But in today’s world there are a lot of scary real things being reported on the 24 hour news cycle every day. Movies can also pose a problem for children who may not be able to tell the difference between reality and fiction.
Our brains aren’t really wired to tell the difference easily. That’s why you jump at horror or suspenseful programs!
Misunderstanding a Conversation or Situation
I had a young client who screamed in terror every morning when her mom dropped her off at daycare. Her terror was so overwhelming that school was impossible. We did all the things and finally she started making progress.
But I didn’t know where the fear came from until our last session when her mom casually mentioned a fire in their neighborhood. That little girl had watched firemen bring the old woman who made her cookies out on a gurney! Ding Ding Ding!
All that time she had been terrified to leave her mom because she thought something awful would happen to her while she was at daycare! Remember, just because you understand something doesn’t mean your child does. Check in often and explain what they don’t understand.
Common Fears
Here are some common fears experienced by children:
- The dark
- Unfamiliar noises at night
- Monsters, ghosts and vampires etc
- Big animals – dogs, dinosaurs, horses etc
- Snakes and spiders
- Storms
- Being alone
- Angry adults – parents, teachers, even actors on the screen
- Strangers
- Scary TV, movies, news
- Doctors, dentists, shots and needles
- Failure and rejection
Understanding the Fear
Before you can conquer something you have to understand it. Whether it’s that terrifying IRS form or an equally terrifying souffle recipe. A child’s fear is no different.
Does the fear interfere with your child’s life (or yours)? — Since you’re reading this post I’m going to assume the answer is “yes” and move on to the second question.
What purpose does the fear seem to serve? — Often it’s just to avoid, or be reassured and comforted. But sometimes fear serves other purposes. Like protecting them from something they may not have language to talk about.
I knew a girl who developed a fear of bathing. She would go swimming but soap and water, no way! She became very isolated because in a word, she stunk. Her fear of bathing kept her stinky which in turn kept her abuser uninterested! Look for fear’s purpose.
When did the fear start? Try to pinpoint when a fear started. Then think about what was happening around that time in the home, at school, in the community. Is there a connection?
Dealing With Fear
Remember that getting rid of the fear is only part of the solution. We want our kids to know how to deal with it on their own at some point. Fortunately it’s a skill we can model, teach and learn.
- Normalize and validate – Everyone has fears, they are normal. Say, “I understand how that could be frightening.”
- Model coping skills – You can tell children how you deal with fear, but it’s much more meaningful if they see you coping. Talk with them about how they that might do the same thing. Help them connect the dots..
- Understand your own fears – What are you afraid of? Is your fear being communicated to your child?
- Be aware of outside influences – This includes media, people and situations that may be causing the fear.
- Minimize avoidance – I know this sounds wrong, but avoidance alone is not the answer. It teaches running away as the answer to fear instead of actually dealing with it.
- Externalize the fear – This is a fancy way of saying make the fear separate from them. Sometimes I have kids draw what their fear looks like. Not necessarily the object of the fear, but the emotion or feeling of fear itself. When its separate from them it’s easier to talk about… and conquer.
- Talk about the externalized fear – “Play” is the native language of children! So young kids may not have adequate words to actually “talk” about what’s bothering them. Try playing it out with toys instead.
- Give the child control over the fear – This is an important step in teaching anyone to deal with fear! This is a place where a child’s native imagination can be a HUGE help. Do they have superhuman powers to defeat fear? Or do they pray for angels to stand guard over them? But then again it might also be as simple a matter as putting a lamp beside their bed. Then they have the power to reassure themselves there are no monsters in the room.
- Prayer – For believing and observant families a practice of praying for strength, calm, peace and protection may be helpful.
The Don’ts in Dealing with Your Child’s Fear
Your child needs to know you are there to help and support them. They need to know you take them seriously. In short, they need to be able to trust you. This is a list of trust killers. Avoid them like the plague!
- Don’t use shame! – It won’t work and will make the problem even bigger! You don’t want to do anything to make your child hesitate to come to you with a problem.
- Don’t diminish or make light of their fear – Even if the fear doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, I guarantee it feels HUGE to your child.
- Don’t make fun of them for having a fear – This one makes your child feel small and unimportant.
- Don’t force them to confront their fear head on – I’m fearful of snakes. I’m not going to be helped by being forced to go to a rattlesnake round-up. In fact it’s probably going to make the problem a lot worse.
- Don’t (as in never) share or discuss your child’s fears in front of others – At least not without their expressed permission. You may need to talk to a doctor or counselor at some point, but that’s an entirely different thing than discussing their fear at the pool with your buddies or over a family meal.
This is Your Time to SHINE as a Parent!
More Parenting Resources That You May Find Helpful:
- Help Your Kids Build Life Skills This Summer
- Helping Your Kids Manage Anxiety
- The Importance of Unstructured Play for Kids
- Make the End of School Special with a Family Dinner to Remember
- Noticing Your Kids…In a Good Way!
- Handling Sadness, Tragedy and Grief as a Family
- How to Get Your Kids to Open-Up
- 9 Things All Kids Must Hear Their Parents Say
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