No matter how much we’d like to protect our children from sadness, tragedy and grief, whether it is from the death of a loved one, a terror attack or a natural disaster, all we can realistically do is help them navigate their way through it.
When Tragedy Strikes
The worst has happened and things seem irrevocably different. You may start to notice changes in yourself and your child. Grief, fear, sadness and anxiety leak out in many different ways. It’s the mind’s (and heart’s) way of saying. “Pay Attention to me, I need help!” Do not expect to ignore them and have them simply go away because they won’t. Instead deal with them head on.
How Sadness, Tragedy and Grief May Present
Remember this is a list of symptoms, not problems, your child may be having. In fact, you might be experiencing some of these as well. In some ways dealing with them is similar to treating an infection, once the root cause is properly addressed the symptoms will lessen. Unlike an infection though, grief doesn’t go away altogether, but it can be turned into a more positive than negative thing.
- Fearfulness, Clinginess and Trouble Separating
- Troubled Sleeping, Eating and Toilet Routines
- Regression to an Earlier Developmental Stage
- Fear of the Future, Denial, Avoidance
- Mood Swings, Increased Emotional Responses, Aggression, Anger
- Blaming, BullyingPhysical Complaints such as stomach aches, headaches, lethargy
- Academic Problems, Poor Concentration, Behavioral Problems at school
- Withdrawal
- Jumpiness or Heightened Startle Response
- Risky Behaviors
Helpful Actions to Take
Communicate
This is the foundation on which everything is built when dealing with any sort of emotion. Open, honest, calm communication. Listen to understand your child and make sure they understand what you say to them. Rephrase
Active Listening
Good communication requires active listening. Your child needs to be really be heard as they process their emotions. Listen to understand and don’t be thinking about you are going to say next. When your child finishes speaking, restate what they said and let them confirm that you understand!
Parents should seek out other adults to help process the majority of their own grief fully so as not to burden their child with both theirs and their parents’. It is important for children to see their parents working through tough emotions so they know it can be done.
Acknowledge Their Feelings
When bad things happen our emotions can be all over the place at first. That’s to be expected. “I hear you, I understand how you’re feeling, I can see how that would be frightening (sad, heavy etc)” tells your child their feelings matter to you and you are there to help.
Answer Questions Honestly
Give age appropriate information. A kindergartener doesn’t need to know as much as a 14 year old about terrorism for example. While you’ll need to be careful about what you share with younger children, be sure that what you do tell them is true. Nothing breaks trust as thoroughly as a lie even if you think it will protect them.
Limit News Coverage
With our 24 hour news cycle your child may be exposed to far too much information that can have a re-traumatizing effect on them so consider limiting their viewing time. “Little pitchers have big ears” is a saying for a reason so be conscious of what you are saying even when you think they aren’t listening.
Create a Safe Environment
When a tragedy occurs, regardless of whether it’s the death of a loved one, a natural disaster, or a school shooting, we all wonder how it will affect us personally. Children, because they are so dependent on others for their care, are apt to feel this much strongly. You can give them realistic reassurance that they will continue to be cared for in the aftermath of the tragedy. Be as specific as possible so they know you aren’t just blowing off their concerns. Giving extra reassurances (hugs, cuddles, sitting close or in your lap) can be a comfort to both you and your child during these times
Maintain a Routine
Even in the aftermath of a tragedy life does go on. So as much as is possible try to maintain your previous routine or, at least, some kind of routine that takes into account new realities. For example if the tornado destroyed the dance studio you aren’t going to be able to keep dance lessons on the schedule… for a while.
Schedule Fun Activities
Fun activities are even more important during bad times. We need the mental break from whatever is going on and to remember even when things are difficult there is still joy and fun in the world. Fun also floods our brains with stress relieving endorphins .
Faith
In times of tragedy it is difficult to understand the why of it all. Some people find a lot of comfort and answers in their faith. Each religion has its own funeral customs. Prayers for those who have passed seems to be universal. Giving flowers and food to the grieving is also common. Each handles the funeral itself differently as well. It will be up to you and your family to decide if attending such ceremonies would be beneficial to provide the beginnings of closure.
Be sensitive to the impressions and preconceptions young children may have. When my mother passed away we told our youngest, who was three at the time, that Grandma had gone to live with Jesus. In his mind, our church was Jesus’ house so every Sunday he was looking for Grandma!
Memorializing
This can be something as simple as giving and receiving a keepsake honoring a loved one. Other ideas for memorializing include a framed photograph, planting a tree or perhaps creating a piece of art in their honor. Your family might also consider donating to relief efforts if that is appropriate. This is a great time to let your children be involved in coming up with how you and they will remember.
Everyone Copes Differently
Some of these ideas will work better for your family than others. Each member of your family will cope differently. One person may need to talk more than another one who needs more alone time. One person may really be helped by painting or journalling while another needs to spend more time in a faith-based activity. Let each person cope in the way that helps them the most.
Give it Time
Unfortunately there is no expiration date on grief. Working through it just takes time. Allow time to do its work. Some days will be going along well and then grief may sneak up on you and knock you down again. Knowing that’s the way it works mean you can plan ahead for those times. Some folks use those times to listen to music, write poetry, visit with others, journal their thoughts and feelings, paint or go for walks.
Be easy on yourself and your children. I often remind people that when the 23rd Psalm says “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” it doesn’t mention how long the trip is, but clearly we aren’t meant to set up housekeeping there. Keep moving forward!
Thanks for posting this. I wondering what you told your 5 year old and what you said to your older children about what you told?
Thanks, Denise–I mentioned what I said to Maddy and Owen within the post. Something along the lines of:
There’s been a shooting in a school in Connecticut. Many children were killed. We don’t know many details yet, but as I learn them, I’ll tell you. All I know is that I wanted you to hear it from me before school on Monday. Many kids may be talking about it, but if they’re not, please don’t bring it up. It’s scary news, and it’s hard to hear–which is why their moms and dads will tell them when they’re ready.
All I know for sure is that you are safe in your school. You are safe here at home. And that tragedies like this are really, really unusual–and that we hope they never happen. So we will pray for the families, the kids, the teachers, and everyone involved. We will say lots of prayers.
And when you have questions, ask Daddy or me. We’ll tell you what we know. Okay? I love you so much.
🙂 Hope this helps. xo
So you did tell Cora the same thing as your older ones? I am having a hard time with what to say to my five year old. This is very helpful.
Thanks again.
No–we didn’t tell Cora anything. I think, personally, that my Cora is too young to understand and is too new at school to handle that kind of horror. But every child’s different.
You did an excellent job on this post. Thanks for the links. It’s a very sad time for all. I have three in elementary school too.
Michelle–THANK you. Means so much coming from you, my friend–I know we’re in the same boat w/ kiddos in school. Hang in there and hope today went well for your little ones.
I am still shocked and wondering “why”, “how”. I agree with you on the news part – I never watch news in front of my little ones, in my “too caring” opinion they will never be old enough to watch it…
http://barrymernin.wordpress.com/2012/12/16/a-letter-from-a-fourth-grade-teacher/
I wrote a bit about the tragedy. Above is my letter to my parents.
Have a good day, teachers!
Great post, my friend. Thank you for sharing.