Helping Kids Manage Anxiety

Anxiety is a normal reaction to some situations, we all get a little anxious the first time we try something or when we are heading into an unknown or unpleasant situation, but when our child’s anxiety reaches a chronic level you can help them learn to cope and step outside the cycle of anxiety.

As a marriage and family counselor of more than a decade, who specialized in helping children, I’ve seen many kids dealing with anxiety.

You may have a child in your life who is facing this issue (it’s all too common in today’s world). So I’ve written up a few ways that you can help your child through their emotions in a way that will enable them to move forward, instead of staying stuck.

Helping Your Child Learn to Deal With Their Anxiety

The first thing to remember about anxiety is that it is a symptom or reaction. Anxiety alone isn’t the problem. It may help to think of anxiety as part of the fight/flight/freeze response. Here are some ways to work with your child to manage their anxiety.

Some anxiety is normal in a novel situation. In small amounts, anxiety is a survival mechanism that causes us to look at the survivability of an unknown action or situation. It is when that anxiety overwhelms that it becomes a problem needing to be addressed with the help of others.
Validate their concerns, but don’t enable them. We all need to be heard. Sometimes just sharing their anxiety helps immensely. As parents, we need to be careful not to enable their anxiety though. “That big test has you nervous? Why do you think that is?” instead of “Tests are scary. I always hated them too.” The first one asks the child to analyze the anxiety as a precursor to addressing it, while the second statement suggests that somehow it is outside their control.
Don’t avoid the thing that’s causing the anxiety. Allowing a child to avoid the thing that causes their anxiety might feel as though it would help and it might in the moment but, in fact, it is teaching the child to avoid difficult things even if they have to emotionally manipulate in order to do so. This is not the kind of coping mechanism we want to foster in our children. Instead helping them to understand and face the anxiety head-on increases their ability to manage anxiety for the rest of their life. This being said, sadly sometimes kids are exposed to anxiety causing things that require further action so I encourage you to find out the source of the anxiety.
Have realistic expectations. I have a terrible fear of heights. Skydiving is never going to be a realistic expectation for me, but I can climb a set of stairs which, for me, is an improvement. So it is for our kiddos, set reasonable and attainable expectations. Talk with them about how over time as they get better at facing those fears they will lessen and drop off. Let them know you will be with them as they learn how to do this. Your confidence in their eventual success gives them the expectation of victory over their anxiety.
Ask open-ended questions about their anxiety. Kids need to be able to talk about their anxiety without being led. So instead of asking, “Are you nervous about the game (the play, the test, starting at a new school)? simply ask, “How are you feeling about whatever it is?

Don’t reinforce the anxiety. This can be a difficult one for parents, but don’t reinforce the anxiety by making it seem that they should be anxious about whatever it is. It is so easy to do this with body language, tone of voice and, of course, the words we choose when talking about their anxiety. If your child believes you are anxious then their own anxiety is sure to escalate.
Encourage and praise your child’s efforts to tolerate (habituate) their anxiety. Habituation means in small steps becoming used to a thought or action that is causing the anxiety. A key piece of habituation is reward. Each little step your child makes in facing their anxiety should be amply appreciated and praised so it becomes more important to them than the anxiety. Success itself is a great reward! Our youngest wanted desperately to go down a two-story indoor enclosed slide but was terrified to take the final step (after climbing all the stairs to get to the top) to slide down. We bribed, cajoled, threatened and reasoned with him for hours … until 10 minutes before closing when he finally did it! There was much celebrating of that victory. In that case, the victory was sadly unrepeatable because the park closed. If appropriate try breaking up the trigger into smaller pieces to build up your child’s tolerance.
Shorten the time they have to be anxious. The shorter the period of time a child has to be anxious prior to the event the less time they will have to reach peak anxiety. A child who knows on Monday that they are going to have to face anxiety on Friday has all week to think about the trigger. Giving less lead time and pairing that with a reward may help minimize the anxiety. For example, “We’re going to stop by here (at the doctor’s office) and take care of some things the camp needs us to do and then go get all the rest of the stuff on your list for camp.”
Have a plan of action. Uncertainty seems to play a big part in anxiety so you can help your child by creating a “plan of action” to combat it. This will look very different depending on your child’s age and what they are feeling anxious about. A younger child might draw a picture of their anxiety or trigger and then a picture of them combating that fear (as a superhero perhaps?). If they are anxious about their first sleepover away from home you could talk about what they are likely to experience in reality, what they are afraid they are going to experience and a realistic plan of action. “If you are having a really bad time you can call me and then we’ll decide if you’d rather stay for the fun or come home. If you need to come home either I’ll come get you or Kim’s mom will bring you home.” In this way your child’s concerns are heard, a plan is made, and they have the decision-making power.
Let them see you dealing well with anxiety. Kids aren’t the only ones who experience anxiety. If they see you handling your anxiety in the same positive way it will be easier for them to handle theirs. You taught your child to walk, talk, and all sorts of other things through repetition and modeling. Teach them to manage anxiety the same way.
Know that eliminating anxiety is NOT the goal. Managing it is. Some children with anxiety begin to be anxious about their anxiety. Letting them know that a little occasional anxiety is normal and can even be helpful so that the goal isn’t to do away with it altogether but to manage it so that it can be a useful thing. I once had a counselor ask if I wanted help with my snake anxiety…Umm, no thanks! That anxiety keeps my brain alert, my eyes open and my head on a swivel when I’m outside.
Know when and where to ask for more help. As much as I would like it to be different, in today’s world there are times when a child’s anxiety may be signaling a much deeper problem. This is why it is very important to talk to your child to discover the cause or trigger of their anxiety and to seek appropriate professional help. If you suspect something of that nature, please get additional help in helping them!

Getting More Help

Sometimes, despite everyone’s best efforts, a child’s anxiety gets worse instead of better. If they become overly anxious and aren’t able to tell you why or become anxious around a certain person, people or place you should seek the help of a professional who specializes in helping children.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one type of therapy used by counselors to treat anxiety by identifying unhelpful behaviors and thoughts and correcting them
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a treatment method that helps lessen or alleviate stress that comes from traumatic memories.
Play Therapy uses play (the language of children) to identify and resolve difficulties the child might, due to lack of vocabulary and experience, have difficulty expressing. Art therapy uses art in a similar fashion