trying to keep smiling: quick trick, positive

Lately, my sweet 3-year-old boy has been experimenting with his voice (yelling and screaming anywhere, anytime, at anyone), his body (superhero kicking and punching the air, a pillow, or the unlucky guy closest to him), and his attitude (frustrates easily, pushing limits with adults, and challenging his sisters).

Whether it’s the imbalance between mind and body that little ones experience every six months or so, or if it’s some friendship challenges at preschool (which ends tomorrow!), we’ve been trying our best to be patient, loving, and firm with him.

It’s wearing us–okay, me–out.

But this Quick Trick is another one from Dr. Bailey’s Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline that I think is totally worth revisiting and one that I’ve leaned on for the last few days especially, when I’ve used choices and counting and given him a million GO’s, and I need to clear my brain:

Power of Positive Intent:

In short, this is when you attribute positive motives to your child’s behavior so that you’re positioning yourself to teach and your child to learn.

Sound funny? I agree, but it helps in more ways than one–for me, at least.

Since ‘intent’ is a real and powerful communicator, you can speak the same words to children with the intent of punishing them or with the goal of teaching them. Your intent is more powerful than the words you use. So, you start out assuming your child’s motives are positive, that he is simply trying to achieve some goal but lacks the appropriate skills to do so.

Here’s how: Model unconditional love. (Sometimes this is not easy–parenting is hard work!)

1. State the child’s positive motive. (You wanted a turn to color. . . )
2. State the skill he used to achieve his goal. (. . . so you grabbed the crayon.)
3. State the limit and why it is needed. (You may not grab. Grabbing hurts.)
4. Teach the child what you want him to do or say instead. Then ask him to do or say those actions. (When you want a turn to color, say, ‘I want a turn to color, too. Which color can I use?’ Say it now.)
5. Praise and encourage your child for being willing to try a different approach. If possible, point out how the new approach proved successful. (You did it! Now he gave you the yellow crayon so you can color, too.)

Easier said than done sometimes, I know, but it’s just one more little trick that has helped me stay focused as a parent during tough times. And like a lot of these tricks, it takes practice, practice, practice with a huge side of patience.

Check out a few other posts that may help you develop strong and healthy habits for your family:

• wait time
• my day, your day
• frozen peas
• kids who rock the kitchen
• kids who rock the laundry
• rest time
• gem jars
• arm circles
• noticing kids
• homework routine

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