9 Things All Kids Must Hear Their Parents Say

The world our kids and grandkids live in has changed.  These 9 statements will help them navigate through much of the rough waters of current society with increased confidence and resilience.

9 Things All Kids Need to Hear and Believe

In my counseling practice, I see kids of all ages crippled by insecurity, self-loathing, fear, doubts, and anxiety.  They feel trapped and are angry about it!  I used to think this was a recent phenomenon until I talked to a much older friend who shared that she felt the same way as a teenager back during the Great Depression! These 9 statements, repeated as often as needed for them to believe, will help kids better cope with what life throws at them.

1. Crying is Okay

Don’t apologize when you do, just calmly wipe away the tears and keep going with what you are doing.  Here’s an interesting fact about tears, sad tears are molecularly different from happy ones and fearful ones.  I think anything that specific must be part of a design feature.  

Crying is for girls and babies.  And boys, and moms and dads and old people and teen-agers and kings and queens and super heroes!  Everyone has tear ducts.  It’s standard equipment for a reason.

2. You Understand That Differently (Better?) Than I Do.  I’d Be Excited To Learn It Along With You

A parent who models being a lifelong learner will encourage the same growth mindset in their children.  Growth mindset is believing that with hard work, dedication and perseverance we can become smarter, stronger and capable of whatever we set our minds to.

I was always bad at______ too. This is what is often called “priming”.  Kids are predisposed to imitate their parents, it’s how we learn almost everything from the time we’re born.  Be careful about giving unconscious signals concerning failure and success and a fixed mindset way of looking at themselves. 

A fixed mindset says we are born with a certain set of skills that can’t be changed so why even try? Failure just means you need to try a different way, get help, practice more and try again.  True failure is giving up.

3. I Appreciate Your Hard Work

This is another of those statements that promote a growth mindset in kids.  You are noting and rewarding the effort and the perseverance before the result.  Our daughter had only been taking piano for a little while when she decided she wanted to play Flight of the Bumblebee (a very challenging piece of music).  We were amazed when, a surprisingly short time later, she played it for us and we commented on how hard it was.  She responded that she didn’t look at it like that, just that it might take a little longer to learn.  Wow.  Growth mindset.

When the effort is praised without the pressure for perfection in the outcome we make space for our kids to be fearless in trying new things.

4. You Are Unique And Unique Is Beautiful

I sometimes hear and read people express this as “strong is beautiful” or even “healthy is beautiful” and while both are undoubtedly true, what if your child is sick or weak?  Aren’t they still beautiful?  Of course they are! 

Our standard of what is “beautiful” is ever-changing, certainly over the years but even between different countries.  I’m afraid constant bombardment by social media and entertainment isn’t helping with this.  What kids see there isn’t real or true. Our kids need to know their beauty is uniquely their own and not to be held up to some arbitrary and fleeting standard.  Help them be the best them possible.  

5. Wear Clothes That Work For You and Help You Feel Confident

A parent who teaches their kids to look past the latest fad and find clothing that works best for them is teaching them to be self-accepting, creative, and resilient. 

Clothes shopping is often a very stressful and intimidating time for lots of people.

I look so fat in these jeans!  I have such ugly feet! or My boobs are too small (or too big)!  The pressure our kids feel to wear designer labels and look like the most popular influencer de jour can be crushing.  No child (or real person) is going to be able to look just like the airbrushed models in the jeans ads.  

All such comments plant within our children the seeds of future self-loathing.  Seeing parents model the concept that the clothes don’t work instead of placing blame (and shame) on their body encourages kids to do the same.

6. Express Your Emotions Instead of Stuffing Them Down 

This is admittedly a tough one.  It would be impractical to emote all the time.  Every person who asks how you are doesn’t need to hear everything going on with us or our children.  But there do need to be people with whom we are comfortable being honest and vulnerable.

I’m fine, It’s all good, It doesn’t matter, Don’t worry about it (when it really isn’t okay and does matter) if left in place teaches our kids their emotions don’t matter and later that they can’t trust their gut instincts.  Correctly labeling their emotions with parents (or another safe adult) helps our kids deal with them and not transfer those negative emotions into harmful inappropriate actions. 

Did you know “anger” isn’t a real emotion?  But it sure is how we react to several!  The reaction to stumping a toe, being insulted or receiving a sudden fright all look like “anger”, but obviously have very different root causes.  Go for the primary emotion.

7. I Love You, But I Don’t Like Your Choices

Always separate the problem and the child.  The problem is the problem, not the child.  Remember when we use the word “choices” we’re reminding our children they have control over their choices and actions.  They can also choose to turn things around.  This is a great thing for us, as parents, to model for our kids.  I can’t tell you how powerful it is for a child to see their parents choose to turn things around!

8. I Will Be Here To Help You Work Through This, Whatever It Takes!

It’s important for a child to know that he or she has a strong supporter in their corner as they face tough times.  As mentioned before, this doesn’t mean you will support poor choices but it does mean you offer to work with them to find solutions and are interested in knowing what they come up with.  They will need you to check in during this process to make sure their ideas are acceptable.  (In this day and age there are a LOT of unacceptable “solutions” floating around that might sound attractive.) 

Saying things like It will be better tomorrow, It’s not that big a deal, It happens just blow it off completely invalidate what your child is going through.  Hopefully most of the time it truly won’t be a big deal and it will be better tomorrow but to your child that’s not how it seems right now.  By working with your child to address the issues you are communicating together you’re a team and that you have confidence in them.

As they get more proficient at problem-solving solving they still need to know they can always come to you to hash out their thinking, or if they’re stuck, to get more ideas.  

9. I Love You and Am Always Here For You

We take for granted that our kids know this and I suspect they do.  I know my husband loves me too, but I need to hear it all the same.  Kids may not want to admit it but they realize there are some problems bigger than they are able to handle alone. Sometimes they may even fight you on it, but persevere!

Gone are the days of parents letting their kids roam freely through the neighborhood until the streetlights turned on. Things are different today. The social media piece is a many-tentacled monster unlike anything you or I ever had to fight in our childhood.  It has the power to attack our kids directly and through those around them.  Our kids want (and need!) to know no matter what, through this tumultuous and uncertain time, they are loved, they are heard and they are not alone. It’s our job as parents to make them understand that above all and to help them be prepared for what is out there ahead of them.

More Information You Might Find Helpful

• How to Get Kids to Open Up
• How to Write a GREAT Thank You Note
• The Importance of Unstructured Play for Kids
• Make the End of School Special with a Family Dinner to Remember
• Dealing with Childhood Fears – A Parent’s Guide
• Handling Sadness, Tragedy and Grief as a Family
• Helping Kids Manage Anxiety